Less Talk, MORE LOVE.

Hey God,
I just don't really want to talk right now. I feel like I've been talking too much lately. I want to rest. I want you to lay beside me and hold me. I'm so,... strung out. I'm glad for one day at a time, I really don't think I could take more than that. The thought of tomorrow always seemed so bright, but now if it happens to cross my mind during the day, it only stresses me out more. I never know what I'm doing tomorrow. I've never been so unorganized in my life. Thank you for slowing down the moments that i'll want to remember later. Thank you for keeping my head leveled in times when I would usually just scream and run away. God I love Daniel so much. Only you know exactly what my heart and sould feel for him. It's so deep, and still. Like water. But it rushes through my veins. More than love, even. It's this powerful want for his life to turn out beautiful and filling. I just want his life to be... right. And I don't care if I'm not in it. I just want him to be happy. I'm learning how to love him without demanding anything in return. And it's not a relational kind of love. But I feel like my sould wants to fight for him. I find myself just praying that he'll pull through. We've been through so much together. I've never known anyone as well as I've known him. I can see the colors in his soul. I can feel the waves crashing against each other in his heart, his excitment, it's all so healthy. My desires for him aren't tainted.
And you know where my pain is God. I know you feel it too. It's assulting. I realize that after all the times I've pushed my fears and pain and problems back, I now have to turn around and face it. And God, there is so much. I hate this feeling. The devil's got a hold on me. And sometimes, I don't feel strong enough to keep him away.
It's a constant battle. Every day I have to choose to fight. I'm exhausted. I just want to rest...
You're the only true shelter I've ever known. I can face my demons, or I can run to you. Some days I'm doing both. I don't like hurting, but I'll go through whatever it takes to find myself again. I just want to be happy. You make me happy Jesus:)
Someday I'll look back and see how brave I was. I'll be confident in my beauty and my soul will be in a healthy love, with another soul. It's hard not to focus on the goal. But I know if I do it will never happen.


So just, come love me some more. I'm letting you come in. My defenses on the ground, I just want to be yours. I want to spin around in circles for you:) I miss laughing at those jokes you would tell me.

mmmmm, i love you.
and i really love that you love me:)