Hey God,
I just don't really want to talk right now. I feel like I've been talking too much lately. I want to rest. I want you to lay beside me and hold me. I'm so,... strung out. I'm glad for one day at a time, I really don't think I could take more than that. The thought of tomorrow always seemed so bright, but now if it happens to cross my mind during the day, it only stresses me out more. I never know what I'm doing tomorrow. I've never been so unorganized in my life. Thank you for slowing down the moments that i'll want to remember later. Thank you for keeping my head leveled in times when I would usually just scream and run away. God I love Daniel so much. Only you know exactly what my heart and sould feel for him. It's so deep, and still. Like water. But it rushes through my veins. More than love, even. It's this powerful want for his life to turn out beautiful and filling. I just want his life to be... right. And I don't care if I'm not in it. I just want him to be happy. I'm learning how to love him without demanding anything in return. And it's not a relational kind of love. But I feel like my sould wants to fight for him. I find myself just praying that he'll pull through. We've been through so much together. I've never known anyone as well as I've known him. I can see the colors in his soul. I can feel the waves crashing against each other in his heart, his excitment, it's all so healthy. My desires for him aren't tainted.
And you know where my pain is God. I know you feel it too. It's assulting. I realize that after all the times I've pushed my fears and pain and problems back, I now have to turn around and face it. And God, there is so much. I hate this feeling. The devil's got a hold on me. And sometimes, I don't feel strong enough to keep him away.
It's a constant battle. Every day I have to choose to fight. I'm exhausted. I just want to rest...
You're the only true shelter I've ever known. I can face my demons, or I can run to you. Some days I'm doing both. I don't like hurting, but I'll go through whatever it takes to find myself again. I just want to be happy. You make me happy Jesus:)
Someday I'll look back and see how brave I was. I'll be confident in my beauty and my soul will be in a healthy love, with another soul. It's hard not to focus on the goal. But I know if I do it will never happen.
So just, come love me some more. I'm letting you come in. My defenses on the ground, I just want to be yours. I want to spin around in circles for you:) I miss laughing at those jokes you would tell me.
mmmmm, i love you.
and i really love that you love me:)
Sunday, March 21, 2010
It's a little ridiculous that my best friend is my exboyfriend...
Tonight was good. Sometimes I just forget how to be a teenager. I get so caught up in the moment and analyzing everything, and I don't take the breath to just let life soak in. But I kind of did tonight. At least, briefly. Sometimes I hate being so different. I think if regular people got to know me, they would realize that I'm just too much for them. I'd like to think that there are people out there who have as many things going on as I do, and are still functional. But it's hard to believe when I see so many "good christians" just doing what they've always done, and everything being good. I don't know, maybe I'm just being cynical. They really are great people. I think I'm just missing out. Sometimes I wonder how my life would be different if I had a christian family. I realize that a lot of my relationship with God has been shaped around the absence of my family. He just kinda went in and filled all the voided places. I was really empty, but now I'm extra filled, so there really isn't much to complain about.
I wish my mom knew God.
My grandma does, but she blames him for most everything. And I honestly wouldn't know if my dad does. I think so though, at least if not in his own way. But that still doesn't make him safe. Christians make bad choices all the time.
I'm coming to a point and place in my life, where everything is coming full circle and I'm starting to understand why I am the person I've become, for good or bad. It's kind of nice, in a way, to finally be able to understand myself. but painful sometimes, none the less.
I really forgot how much I love my friends. I know most people don't really know me, especially from church. But I know the feeling I give off when they see me. That's something I'm trying to overcome. But it's not just like I'm just going to shed my walls to every dick and harry who calls themself a christian. They're still people, who have the ability to hurt me. It's amazing how much that factor has had dominance over me lately. But it's really something you can't get around.
I don't want to step backwards. I've come too far now to give it all up out of fear. But God, I am really so messed up. why don't I know anyone like me? Why do I have to feel so alone all the time. This is seriously rediculous. I'm so much more emotional than I used to be. (And I was really emotional to begin with.) I just really need a friend, a girl preferably, (because if it was a boy then I would probably just end up getting confused all over again) who can have the gutts to come along beside me and hold my hand and tell me that it's all going to be okay. Someone who willpray for me and cry with me, because she actually cares about me, not because it's the christian encouraged leadership spiritual thing to do. Some people just don't get it. I don't need a generic prayer, and I'm willing to be vulnerable to get past it. And after I made a promise to myself not to trust a girl again, I find this incredibly huge in myself. It's something my soul wants. The pain needs to be replaced with the truth. I just need a friend who cares.. I've been feeling incredibly lonely latly, and my best friend is my exboyfriend. (In fact, he's the only friend who I can really go deep with.) I don't care how much we're growing and how much God loves us, that's just not healthy. And I deserve to be entitled to some solid girl friends who aren't going to abandon me when I start making stupid decisions.
And I'm not bashing the friends I have now. They're all great special girls who are incredibly blessed. It just seems that sometimes their lives are going in seperate directions than mine, and that's okay.
Bottom line, I don't like going through life by myself. (And yea, I know God's there. But he can be there through other people too.) God wants me to do this, and I can tell because it's something that makes me shake when I think about it. I don't know where this friend will come from, or even if she will. But I'm praying for someone to help me out, withought being taken advantage of or being abandoned. Maybe if I could start with this level of vulnerability, the idea of being commited to one person for a lifetime, who could totally shatter my world in one second, won't be so scary.
Just Maybe..
I wish my mom knew God.
My grandma does, but she blames him for most everything. And I honestly wouldn't know if my dad does. I think so though, at least if not in his own way. But that still doesn't make him safe. Christians make bad choices all the time.
I'm coming to a point and place in my life, where everything is coming full circle and I'm starting to understand why I am the person I've become, for good or bad. It's kind of nice, in a way, to finally be able to understand myself. but painful sometimes, none the less.
I really forgot how much I love my friends. I know most people don't really know me, especially from church. But I know the feeling I give off when they see me. That's something I'm trying to overcome. But it's not just like I'm just going to shed my walls to every dick and harry who calls themself a christian. They're still people, who have the ability to hurt me. It's amazing how much that factor has had dominance over me lately. But it's really something you can't get around.
I don't want to step backwards. I've come too far now to give it all up out of fear. But God, I am really so messed up. why don't I know anyone like me? Why do I have to feel so alone all the time. This is seriously rediculous. I'm so much more emotional than I used to be. (And I was really emotional to begin with.) I just really need a friend, a girl preferably, (because if it was a boy then I would probably just end up getting confused all over again) who can have the gutts to come along beside me and hold my hand and tell me that it's all going to be okay. Someone who willpray for me and cry with me, because she actually cares about me, not because it's the christian encouraged leadership spiritual thing to do. Some people just don't get it. I don't need a generic prayer, and I'm willing to be vulnerable to get past it. And after I made a promise to myself not to trust a girl again, I find this incredibly huge in myself. It's something my soul wants. The pain needs to be replaced with the truth. I just need a friend who cares.. I've been feeling incredibly lonely latly, and my best friend is my exboyfriend. (In fact, he's the only friend who I can really go deep with.) I don't care how much we're growing and how much God loves us, that's just not healthy. And I deserve to be entitled to some solid girl friends who aren't going to abandon me when I start making stupid decisions.
And I'm not bashing the friends I have now. They're all great special girls who are incredibly blessed. It just seems that sometimes their lives are going in seperate directions than mine, and that's okay.
Bottom line, I don't like going through life by myself. (And yea, I know God's there. But he can be there through other people too.) God wants me to do this, and I can tell because it's something that makes me shake when I think about it. I don't know where this friend will come from, or even if she will. But I'm praying for someone to help me out, withought being taken advantage of or being abandoned. Maybe if I could start with this level of vulnerability, the idea of being commited to one person for a lifetime, who could totally shatter my world in one second, won't be so scary.
Just Maybe..
Friday, March 19, 2010
Eve, and where Adam comes in.
I feel refreshed, but in an empty kinda way.. Kinda like when you eat a bunch of grapes. I feel like there is something missing. I feel alive, and even pretty sometimes. (It's been a long time since I've actually felt pretty.) My beauty is something I've always had a real problem with. I didn't have a daddy around to tell me I was pretty as a little girl. So like many girls, I would toss my beauty into any guys path to see if he could tell me something about it. And usually, it was just trampled on with out a second though, and eventually dissipated beneath my own pain and rejection. I could go on with that story, but it's too common and we all know how it ends. The bottom line is, I know there is something wonderful and captivating inside of me. I can feel it, I can even understand it, sometimes I can even believe in it. Seeing my own beauty isn't my problem. My problem starts when I try to show my beauty to other people. I literally don't know how to be beautiful and not feel dirty. Plain and simple. And I definatly don't know how to offer my beauty to a man without offering him a part of my soul that he shouldn't have. I'm not saying that I'm a slut, it's much more spiritual than that. Where do you draw the line? What's the difference between beautiful and sacred? I understand that I'm supposed to share those parts of my sould with my husband. But it doesn't make sense to only be truly beautiful to one person. And my other problem is I don't know how to not hide it. When I was with him, I never made eye contact with guys. I didn't smile too much around them. If a man walked into the room and I felt slightly uncomfortable I would walk away, It was just something I didn't want to deal with. It was too confusing because I wanted to be beautiful, but not in the dirty way, to everyone. I honestly wanted people to find life in me. I want gods love and glory and compassion to shine through. My confidence was shattered. I felt like I wasn't good enough to shine. So I told myself that I shouldn't worry what people think anyways. And I have my own problems to worry about. I didn't care about people anymore. And the truth is, in denying myself to bask in gods glory, I was hiding something from those people, who, if had experienced this beauty may have been forever changed.
See, I know all about Eve. We know her as this wicked first woman who made life a curse for all of us. But she's not. She's beautiful. She was created in Gods beauty, in his image. We woman have a jealous deep yearning to be loved and accepted and adored in. Guess what, so does God. We bear an image in him that many great people have spend centuries trying to depict and express, but can't. (Think about it, how many more statues are there of naked women, than naked men? It's just wrong..) There is something embracing about a woman. We are the crown of creation, the finishing touch, the bridge in a song. A womans essence is a hint of perfume in a mens locker room. It's something a man wants to capture, but if he holds her too tightly, it will die. (Like a butterfly). A womans sould and true beauty are captivating. Eve completed Adam. (No, I'm not saying one is better than the other.) She is what calls out his strength, not by nagging, but through inspiration. Like God calls us out through love, and not manipulation. A man shouldn't find his strength in his woman, but inspiration through her. All true strength comes from God.(And if we bear an image of God, then it's easy to see why so many men get it confused.)
But God, I want it so much. I want to be pretty, I want to sparkle. Sometimes God just sits back and soaks me in his love, and I can't even get over it. Just the other day, Jesus sang your guardian angel, by the red jumpsuit apparatus to me in my car. That song has never been so powerful until he put it in that perspective.
I can't understand how often people break Gods heart, and he keeps loving them anyways. Over and over again. I've been guilty of relentless murder against God. I took parts of him and threw them away, and then came back for more. When does he decide that it's all too much? When does he decide that it hurts him too much to love me and decides to protect himself from now on? The bible says never... It's a concept that I truely don't understand. It's not something I know how to do, or even if I should... In comparison to God, I have been crushed by few people in my life. but just those few people left me hopeless and depressed and shattered. But how can God be hopeless, when he is hope himself? Thats what Jesus said.. And he was the true image of God. So if God gave me this spirit that was created in his image too, then wouldn't that make me the image of God too? The bible says that too. So why can't I do it? I honestly don't even know if God wants me to. At least I'm pretty sure he doesn't want me to right now. Maybe in time and healing I will be more understanding of the situation. I want to be called to offer myself unconditionally to a man. Most women are afraid of that. Society has taught us that we should be, and with the way most men are now, it's a justified fear.
But my heart wants more than that. My soul wants to submit to a man. (Yea, I went there.) But not just any man. I want the man that God has for me. The one who's going to complete my fairy tale. My heart crys out for this beautiful, powerful, masculine, fearless, man of God. I want to fall and not live in fear of being dropped. Sometimes I just want to let go and know that someone is right behind me. God created marriage to portray how much he loves us.
Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.
Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ's love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They're really doing themselves a favor—since they're already "one" in marriage.
No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That's how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become "one flesh." This is a huge mystery, and I don't pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband. -Eph 5: 22-33 The Message
I just want to be worth it...
See, I know all about Eve. We know her as this wicked first woman who made life a curse for all of us. But she's not. She's beautiful. She was created in Gods beauty, in his image. We woman have a jealous deep yearning to be loved and accepted and adored in. Guess what, so does God. We bear an image in him that many great people have spend centuries trying to depict and express, but can't. (Think about it, how many more statues are there of naked women, than naked men? It's just wrong..) There is something embracing about a woman. We are the crown of creation, the finishing touch, the bridge in a song. A womans essence is a hint of perfume in a mens locker room. It's something a man wants to capture, but if he holds her too tightly, it will die. (Like a butterfly). A womans sould and true beauty are captivating. Eve completed Adam. (No, I'm not saying one is better than the other.) She is what calls out his strength, not by nagging, but through inspiration. Like God calls us out through love, and not manipulation. A man shouldn't find his strength in his woman, but inspiration through her. All true strength comes from God.(And if we bear an image of God, then it's easy to see why so many men get it confused.)
But God, I want it so much. I want to be pretty, I want to sparkle. Sometimes God just sits back and soaks me in his love, and I can't even get over it. Just the other day, Jesus sang your guardian angel, by the red jumpsuit apparatus to me in my car. That song has never been so powerful until he put it in that perspective.
I can't understand how often people break Gods heart, and he keeps loving them anyways. Over and over again. I've been guilty of relentless murder against God. I took parts of him and threw them away, and then came back for more. When does he decide that it's all too much? When does he decide that it hurts him too much to love me and decides to protect himself from now on? The bible says never... It's a concept that I truely don't understand. It's not something I know how to do, or even if I should... In comparison to God, I have been crushed by few people in my life. but just those few people left me hopeless and depressed and shattered. But how can God be hopeless, when he is hope himself? Thats what Jesus said.. And he was the true image of God. So if God gave me this spirit that was created in his image too, then wouldn't that make me the image of God too? The bible says that too. So why can't I do it? I honestly don't even know if God wants me to. At least I'm pretty sure he doesn't want me to right now. Maybe in time and healing I will be more understanding of the situation. I want to be called to offer myself unconditionally to a man. Most women are afraid of that. Society has taught us that we should be, and with the way most men are now, it's a justified fear.
But my heart wants more than that. My soul wants to submit to a man. (Yea, I went there.) But not just any man. I want the man that God has for me. The one who's going to complete my fairy tale. My heart crys out for this beautiful, powerful, masculine, fearless, man of God. I want to fall and not live in fear of being dropped. Sometimes I just want to let go and know that someone is right behind me. God created marriage to portray how much he loves us.
Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.
Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ's love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They're really doing themselves a favor—since they're already "one" in marriage.
No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That's how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become "one flesh." This is a huge mystery, and I don't pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband. -Eph 5: 22-33 The Message
I just want to be worth it...
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Consistency.
Well here's to day two. So far so good!
Today was a little hard. I didn't let it affect me much as far as being completly depressed, staying in bed, and not getting dressed. But it's been pushed to the back of my head since the moment I woke up this morning. This is my first real break up. Who knew this stuff effected us this much? I mean seriously, over a month later and I'm still fighting these conflicting emotions and utter confusion. Maybe if he wasn't doing exactly what God was telling him to do, and becoming exactly who god created him to be this wouldn't be so complicating. It would be so much easier to just completly shut the door and say the pain we've caused each other is far greater than the future we might have together. But I know that's my insecurity speaking again. The annoying thing, is he knows it too. And like this new blog, he is also prooving to be consistent. Which brings me back to the fairy tail dilema.. Part of my sould knows we have the potential to have a completly happy life free of past pain and animosity. But the other part of me knows that, even now, the pain isn't close to being over yet. Sometimes I just want to turn around and run the other way, because being happy shouldn't seem to be this hard. I am in constant fight or flight mode, and there is obviously a lot of blood that's missing from my brain. I love him. There is never any doubt in that. Sometimes I don't like saying it. But denying the fact isn't an option. I love him more truely now than I ever did in our disfunctional relationship.
But then there is the trust issue. Should I trust him? And really, can I? I've seen his heart and his intentions. But sometimes I just get the feeling that his motives are all messed up. I didn't start this blog to bash his image, in case someone might ever read this. He is a beautiful person, and I can honestly say that. And he's not to blame for all of the pain. I ruined him daily in our relationship. Unable to see past my own pain, I wanted to bring him to my level. Unknowingly I killed his soul and robbed his passions. We stole from each other, desperatly trying to compensate what was being taken from ourselves. He says that I won't be able to heal until I can accept that I hurt him too. I have accepted that, but ironically I don't feel much better..
God keeps telling me to take it day by day. I haven't got the slightest idea where I'll be living just months from now. I'm lucky to have people who are there for me. At the moment I sleep in my best friends living room. I gave everything I had to that boy, I threw myself at him even. And the whole time, I really did know that he wouldn't be able to catch me. He wasn't what my heart was truely looking for, just a beautiful counterfeit. God was what I needed. But I wasn't willing to accept that. Daniel was all i had, so he HAD to be enough. The tragedy all started when he believed that too. I know he really did love me. He would have had to. No one else would have stuck around that long. God works in mysterious ways sometimes. He knew exactly what I would accept and what I wouldn't. through the disaster, I still found God in Daniels heart. It wasn't Gods whole plan for me, and I know it hurt him more than I know, but he offered those broken shards of light to me as a window he knew I wasn't ready to see through. It was my will. It's simple, God doesn't change that. I know now, that our relationship was destined to end this way. It had to take something this painful and dramatic for me to let him go. I never expected rejection. Especially when I had been in complete control of his life for the last two years. After it happened I felt completly broken, and worthless. I didn't care much about anything. I was so hurt and confused, and once again I couldn't see past my own pain. There was no light in my tunnel. Some days I honestly felt like dying. I thought I had gone off the deep end. I remember questioning my own sanity daily, the idea that I might have actually been temporarly crazy kinda makes me laugh now. But it's sad. I had no identity.
I didn't know where to go. I knew God was all I had left. I had to back track my life for two years and try to remember who I was before I met this boy. She seemed so distant. I didn't recognize most of her. But somehow I got back off my knees. God actually caught me. It felt so good. Sure, I looked like the village idiot and I was left standing with everyone around me telling the dreaded, "I told you so." But somehow, that didn't matter so much.
And that brings me to now. I'm a girl who's trying to find her identity. Late for me, but earlier than others. I'm not the only one who will go through this pain, and restoration.
I'm not talking to that boy, starting today. Our souls raced back to each other too quickly, and we only hurt one another again. Part of me sees this whole process completly pointless, because he doesn't even have to use language to speak to me. His voice is ALWAYS in the back of my head. I know his reaction to my action. I can feel when he's thinking about me, no joke. Distances apart, and I feel his pain. I feel his healing too. He is too much of a distraction. Too quickly did I replace God with him. And that's not a mistake I'm willing to make again. He's still dangerous, in all his glory he still has the power to devistate me. I don't want anyone to have that type of control over me. I need a clean slate and a blank page. I need to write my own story, without his commentary scribbled in the margins. It's hard, and painful in it's whole new way. But this is what I need. This is something I have to fight for, myself. I'll protect myself, because I can't afford to be vulnerable again. Not like that. I won't deal with that pain again, at all costs.
Gods with me. I may screw up every now and then. I'll probably change my mind about everything at least a hundred times before next week. God knows I can't handle this whole project in one piece. And that's why he's giving it day by day.
I'm growing. I will be wonderful. I will understand my beauty, and honor it.
God loves me too much to leave me in this broken mess. He'll rescue me, because I'm his princess and he's my daddy.
Today was a little hard. I didn't let it affect me much as far as being completly depressed, staying in bed, and not getting dressed. But it's been pushed to the back of my head since the moment I woke up this morning. This is my first real break up. Who knew this stuff effected us this much? I mean seriously, over a month later and I'm still fighting these conflicting emotions and utter confusion. Maybe if he wasn't doing exactly what God was telling him to do, and becoming exactly who god created him to be this wouldn't be so complicating. It would be so much easier to just completly shut the door and say the pain we've caused each other is far greater than the future we might have together. But I know that's my insecurity speaking again. The annoying thing, is he knows it too. And like this new blog, he is also prooving to be consistent. Which brings me back to the fairy tail dilema.. Part of my sould knows we have the potential to have a completly happy life free of past pain and animosity. But the other part of me knows that, even now, the pain isn't close to being over yet. Sometimes I just want to turn around and run the other way, because being happy shouldn't seem to be this hard. I am in constant fight or flight mode, and there is obviously a lot of blood that's missing from my brain. I love him. There is never any doubt in that. Sometimes I don't like saying it. But denying the fact isn't an option. I love him more truely now than I ever did in our disfunctional relationship.
But then there is the trust issue. Should I trust him? And really, can I? I've seen his heart and his intentions. But sometimes I just get the feeling that his motives are all messed up. I didn't start this blog to bash his image, in case someone might ever read this. He is a beautiful person, and I can honestly say that. And he's not to blame for all of the pain. I ruined him daily in our relationship. Unable to see past my own pain, I wanted to bring him to my level. Unknowingly I killed his soul and robbed his passions. We stole from each other, desperatly trying to compensate what was being taken from ourselves. He says that I won't be able to heal until I can accept that I hurt him too. I have accepted that, but ironically I don't feel much better..
God keeps telling me to take it day by day. I haven't got the slightest idea where I'll be living just months from now. I'm lucky to have people who are there for me. At the moment I sleep in my best friends living room. I gave everything I had to that boy, I threw myself at him even. And the whole time, I really did know that he wouldn't be able to catch me. He wasn't what my heart was truely looking for, just a beautiful counterfeit. God was what I needed. But I wasn't willing to accept that. Daniel was all i had, so he HAD to be enough. The tragedy all started when he believed that too. I know he really did love me. He would have had to. No one else would have stuck around that long. God works in mysterious ways sometimes. He knew exactly what I would accept and what I wouldn't. through the disaster, I still found God in Daniels heart. It wasn't Gods whole plan for me, and I know it hurt him more than I know, but he offered those broken shards of light to me as a window he knew I wasn't ready to see through. It was my will. It's simple, God doesn't change that. I know now, that our relationship was destined to end this way. It had to take something this painful and dramatic for me to let him go. I never expected rejection. Especially when I had been in complete control of his life for the last two years. After it happened I felt completly broken, and worthless. I didn't care much about anything. I was so hurt and confused, and once again I couldn't see past my own pain. There was no light in my tunnel. Some days I honestly felt like dying. I thought I had gone off the deep end. I remember questioning my own sanity daily, the idea that I might have actually been temporarly crazy kinda makes me laugh now. But it's sad. I had no identity.
I didn't know where to go. I knew God was all I had left. I had to back track my life for two years and try to remember who I was before I met this boy. She seemed so distant. I didn't recognize most of her. But somehow I got back off my knees. God actually caught me. It felt so good. Sure, I looked like the village idiot and I was left standing with everyone around me telling the dreaded, "I told you so." But somehow, that didn't matter so much.
And that brings me to now. I'm a girl who's trying to find her identity. Late for me, but earlier than others. I'm not the only one who will go through this pain, and restoration.
I'm not talking to that boy, starting today. Our souls raced back to each other too quickly, and we only hurt one another again. Part of me sees this whole process completly pointless, because he doesn't even have to use language to speak to me. His voice is ALWAYS in the back of my head. I know his reaction to my action. I can feel when he's thinking about me, no joke. Distances apart, and I feel his pain. I feel his healing too. He is too much of a distraction. Too quickly did I replace God with him. And that's not a mistake I'm willing to make again. He's still dangerous, in all his glory he still has the power to devistate me. I don't want anyone to have that type of control over me. I need a clean slate and a blank page. I need to write my own story, without his commentary scribbled in the margins. It's hard, and painful in it's whole new way. But this is what I need. This is something I have to fight for, myself. I'll protect myself, because I can't afford to be vulnerable again. Not like that. I won't deal with that pain again, at all costs.
Gods with me. I may screw up every now and then. I'll probably change my mind about everything at least a hundred times before next week. God knows I can't handle this whole project in one piece. And that's why he's giving it day by day.
I'm growing. I will be wonderful. I will understand my beauty, and honor it.
God loves me too much to leave me in this broken mess. He'll rescue me, because I'm his princess and he's my daddy.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Intro..
So It's been decided for a few weeks now, that I'm going to start blogging again. (Yes, I realize how nerdy that just sounded.) Somewhere deep inside myself, my soul has something to tell me and I plan to figure out what that is. This is just so much easier than journaling sometimes. I don't care if people read this, it's mostly for myself anyways. I've got this new project God gave me. It's called "Drop everything and fall in love with me again, and you'll find the identity that you sadly lost so long ago, and if it hurts a little, sorry, but sometimes you just have to face your giants head on and remember I love you and it's going to be worth it all." I've pretty much been wrecked for God lately, but it's not something I'm really bragging about. I found out all this interesting stuff about myself that I had no idea of before. Like why I do what I do when I let other people pretend to be God, and why I'm so insecure, but ironically you probably would only catch on to that if you only just met me, because I'm better at hiding things once you know me better. (Weird how that works, huh?) I've also learned how the absence and relationship with my father left a different wound than that of most girls. (And no, I'm not blaming my failures on my parents, but seriously, this kinda stuff effects us.) I have a conncetion with certain people that I can't shake regardless of how less complicating my life would be without them there. I've got fears latched on to my passions and some days I honestly can't tell wether I'm coming or going. I find myself mistaking Gods voice for the devils, and the opposite, quite often. I desperatly want to believe in fairy tales because I know my heart was created to live one, but sometimes my mind and sense of security take over and I can't understand what I did to not be worth it. (This however, is obviously a lie. The ironic thing about my life is that I'm great at realizing things, and picking out how the devil trys to hurt me, but I'm still figuring out how to live in freedom. Just being transparent here.) I find a lot of joy in literally getting drunk in the holy spirit. Most people think that's weird, but I don't care because it's pretty much the most legit thing ever. When that poet David was talking about God being intoxicating, he really wasn't kidding. I like to pray for people. I believe in a powerful God who doesn't sit around and let babys get murdered because he needed more angels. I believe in the authority of Jesus, and I've seen my hand full of miracles. I am going to be an amazing strong woman of God. I know because he told me so, and he doesn't lie, so neeeh. This is all just part of the journey. Time doesn't matter to God, and I guess I'm pretty okay with Jesus being my boyfriend.
So Yep, maybe my next blog will be more structured. Maybe not.
-chow[durr]
So Yep, maybe my next blog will be more structured. Maybe not.
-chow[durr]
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