Tonight was good. Sometimes I just forget how to be a teenager. I get so caught up in the moment and analyzing everything, and I don't take the breath to just let life soak in. But I kind of did tonight. At least, briefly. Sometimes I hate being so different. I think if regular people got to know me, they would realize that I'm just too much for them. I'd like to think that there are people out there who have as many things going on as I do, and are still functional. But it's hard to believe when I see so many "good christians" just doing what they've always done, and everything being good. I don't know, maybe I'm just being cynical. They really are great people. I think I'm just missing out. Sometimes I wonder how my life would be different if I had a christian family. I realize that a lot of my relationship with God has been shaped around the absence of my family. He just kinda went in and filled all the voided places. I was really empty, but now I'm extra filled, so there really isn't much to complain about.
I wish my mom knew God.
My grandma does, but she blames him for most everything. And I honestly wouldn't know if my dad does. I think so though, at least if not in his own way. But that still doesn't make him safe. Christians make bad choices all the time.
I'm coming to a point and place in my life, where everything is coming full circle and I'm starting to understand why I am the person I've become, for good or bad. It's kind of nice, in a way, to finally be able to understand myself. but painful sometimes, none the less.
I really forgot how much I love my friends. I know most people don't really know me, especially from church. But I know the feeling I give off when they see me. That's something I'm trying to overcome. But it's not just like I'm just going to shed my walls to every dick and harry who calls themself a christian. They're still people, who have the ability to hurt me. It's amazing how much that factor has had dominance over me lately. But it's really something you can't get around.
I don't want to step backwards. I've come too far now to give it all up out of fear. But God, I am really so messed up. why don't I know anyone like me? Why do I have to feel so alone all the time. This is seriously rediculous. I'm so much more emotional than I used to be. (And I was really emotional to begin with.) I just really need a friend, a girl preferably, (because if it was a boy then I would probably just end up getting confused all over again) who can have the gutts to come along beside me and hold my hand and tell me that it's all going to be okay. Someone who willpray for me and cry with me, because she actually cares about me, not because it's the christian encouraged leadership spiritual thing to do. Some people just don't get it. I don't need a generic prayer, and I'm willing to be vulnerable to get past it. And after I made a promise to myself not to trust a girl again, I find this incredibly huge in myself. It's something my soul wants. The pain needs to be replaced with the truth. I just need a friend who cares.. I've been feeling incredibly lonely latly, and my best friend is my exboyfriend. (In fact, he's the only friend who I can really go deep with.) I don't care how much we're growing and how much God loves us, that's just not healthy. And I deserve to be entitled to some solid girl friends who aren't going to abandon me when I start making stupid decisions.
And I'm not bashing the friends I have now. They're all great special girls who are incredibly blessed. It just seems that sometimes their lives are going in seperate directions than mine, and that's okay.
Bottom line, I don't like going through life by myself. (And yea, I know God's there. But he can be there through other people too.) God wants me to do this, and I can tell because it's something that makes me shake when I think about it. I don't know where this friend will come from, or even if she will. But I'm praying for someone to help me out, withought being taken advantage of or being abandoned. Maybe if I could start with this level of vulnerability, the idea of being commited to one person for a lifetime, who could totally shatter my world in one second, won't be so scary.
Just Maybe..
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment