Consistency.

Well here's to day two. So far so good!
Today was a little hard. I didn't let it affect me much as far as being completly depressed, staying in bed, and not getting dressed. But it's been pushed to the back of my head since the moment I woke up this morning. This is my first real break up. Who knew this stuff effected us this much? I mean seriously, over a month later and I'm still fighting these conflicting emotions and utter confusion. Maybe if he wasn't doing exactly what God was telling him to do, and becoming exactly who god created him to be this wouldn't be so complicating. It would be so much easier to just completly shut the door and say the pain we've caused each other is far greater than the future we might have together. But I know that's my insecurity speaking again. The annoying thing, is he knows it too. And like this new blog, he is also prooving to be consistent. Which brings me back to the fairy tail dilema.. Part of my sould knows we have the potential to have a completly happy life free of past pain and animosity. But the other part of me knows that, even now, the pain isn't close to being over yet. Sometimes I just want to turn around and run the other way, because being happy shouldn't seem to be this hard. I am in constant fight or flight mode, and there is obviously a lot of blood that's missing from my brain. I love him. There is never any doubt in that. Sometimes I don't like saying it. But denying the fact isn't an option. I love him more truely now than I ever did in our disfunctional relationship.
But then there is the trust issue. Should I trust him? And really, can I? I've seen his heart and his intentions. But sometimes I just get the feeling that his motives are all messed up. I didn't start this blog to bash his image, in case someone might ever read this. He is a beautiful person, and I can honestly say that. And he's not to blame for all of the pain. I ruined him daily in our relationship. Unable to see past my own pain, I wanted to bring him to my level. Unknowingly I killed his soul and robbed his passions. We stole from each other, desperatly trying to compensate what was being taken from ourselves. He says that I won't be able to heal until I can accept that I hurt him too. I have accepted that, but ironically I don't feel much better..
God keeps telling me to take it day by day. I haven't got the slightest idea where I'll be living just months from now. I'm lucky to have people who are there for me. At the moment I sleep in my best friends living room. I gave everything I had to that boy, I threw myself at him even. And the whole time, I really did know that he wouldn't be able to catch me. He wasn't what my heart was truely looking for, just a beautiful counterfeit. God was what I needed. But I wasn't willing to accept that. Daniel was all i had, so he HAD to be enough. The tragedy all started when he believed that too. I know he really did love me. He would have had to. No one else would have stuck around that long. God works in mysterious ways sometimes. He knew exactly what I would accept and what I wouldn't. through the disaster, I still found God in Daniels heart. It wasn't Gods whole plan for me, and I know it hurt him more than I know, but he offered those broken shards of light to me as a window he knew I wasn't ready to see through. It was my will. It's simple, God doesn't change that. I know now, that our relationship was destined to end this way. It had to take something this painful and dramatic for me to let him go. I never expected rejection. Especially when I had been in complete control of his life for the last two years. After it happened I felt completly broken, and worthless. I didn't care much about anything. I was so hurt and confused, and once again I couldn't see past my own pain. There was no light in my tunnel. Some days I honestly felt like dying. I thought I had gone off the deep end. I remember questioning my own sanity daily, the idea that I might have actually been temporarly crazy kinda makes me laugh now. But it's sad. I had no identity.
I didn't know where to go. I knew God was all I had left. I had to back track my life for two years and try to remember who I was before I met this boy. She seemed so distant. I didn't recognize most of her. But somehow I got back off my knees. God actually caught me. It felt so good. Sure, I looked like the village idiot and I was left standing with everyone around me telling the dreaded, "I told you so." But somehow, that didn't matter so much.
And that brings me to now. I'm a girl who's trying to find her identity. Late for me, but earlier than others. I'm not the only one who will go through this pain, and restoration.
I'm not talking to that boy, starting today. Our souls raced back to each other too quickly, and we only hurt one another again. Part of me sees this whole process completly pointless, because he doesn't even have to use language to speak to me. His voice is ALWAYS in the back of my head. I know his reaction to my action. I can feel when he's thinking about me, no joke. Distances apart, and I feel his pain. I feel his healing too. He is too much of a distraction. Too quickly did I replace God with him. And that's not a mistake I'm willing to make again. He's still dangerous, in all his glory he still has the power to devistate me. I don't want anyone to have that type of control over me. I need a clean slate and a blank page. I need to write my own story, without his commentary scribbled in the margins. It's hard, and painful in it's whole new way. But this is what I need. This is something I have to fight for, myself. I'll protect myself, because I can't afford to be vulnerable again. Not like that. I won't deal with that pain again, at all costs.
Gods with me. I may screw up every now and then. I'll probably change my mind about everything at least a hundred times before next week. God knows I can't handle this whole project in one piece. And that's why he's giving it day by day.
I'm growing. I will be wonderful. I will understand my beauty, and honor it.
God loves me too much to leave me in this broken mess. He'll rescue me, because I'm his princess and he's my daddy.